In December 2014, Caitlyn Ricci won a
court case to receive tuition for her college education. Court cases are won
and lost every day, but what made this case interesting is that Ricci won this
case against her parents. Ricci believed
that she was entitled to college education and her parents were obligated to
foot the bill[i].
This may be an extreme example of American entitlement, but it is a great
picture of the foolishness that is bound up in the heart of a child. And even
more amazing than this youthful foolishness is the fact that two separate
judges would affirm her self-will and entitlement forcing her parents to pay
up. We are no longer living in the Age of the Enlightenment, but the Age of Entitlement.
How did we get here? How did we get
to a place where a child could sue her parents for thousands of dollars demanding
that they pay for her college education and win the courts? How did we get to a
place where we live in an age of entitlement rather than an age of service?
There are many reasons, but one of the biggest ones is the failure of parents to
impart wisdom to their children. We are bearing the fruit of foolishness. We
have a society run adrift with a lack of sense. Our nation has turned its back
on God and God has given her over to bear the fruit of her folly. Proverbs 1:7,
“The fear of the Lord is the beginning of knowledge, but fools despise wisdom
and instruction.” In God’s good design, he has given parents to rear children
away from folly into wisdom.
The
Wise Desire of Child Rearing
Before we can get the practical
instructions of parenting, we first must establish the goal of our parenting.
When you begin a journey, it is wise to have a final destination in mind. If I invited
you over to my house for dinner, you will need the address to get to my house.
So if we are going to be wise parents, we have to know where we are going with
our kids. Or maybe another way to put it, how would you define successful
parenting? At the end of the parenting journey, how would you measure if you
are a successful parent? How you answer these questions will inform the
practical steps you take to get there.
The goal of all Christian parents is
teach their children the fear of the Lord. If a child fears the Lord then
everything will flow in the right direction. Listen to these Proverbs,
The
fear of the LORD is the beginning of wisdom, and the knowledge of the Holy One
is insight. (Proverbs 9:10)
The
fear of the LORD prolongs life, but the years of the wicked will be short.
(Proverbs 10:27)
In
the fear of the LORD one has strong confidence, and his children will have a
refuge. The fear of the LORD is a fountain of life, that one may turn away from
the snares of death. (Proverbs 14:26-27)
The
fear of the LORD leads to life, and whoever has it rests satisfied; he will not
be visited by harm. (Proverbs 19:23)
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The
fear of the Lord is the river that waters the valley. The fear of the Lord is
the steel frame that supports a mighty tower. And to fear the Lord is to know
Jesus Christ. He is the one that saves from death (Col 1:21, Prov. 14:27). He
is the one who prolongs life (John 3:16, Prov. 10:27). He is our refuge (Prov.
14:26). He leads to life and satisfies our weary soul (Matt 11:28, Prov. 19:23,
John 4:14). Is your deepest desire for children that they may know Christ and
make Him known? If this is not your desire, then pray for your own heart to
fear of the Lord for your sake and your children’s, for if your children to the
fear of the Lord, the rest will fall into place. This is our goal. And this
goal should impact our day to day lives. How does this or that activity support
the goal of fear of the Lord? Or what about our educational choices? Television
shows? Books? Technology? Sports? When sports are played?
The main problem I see in the church
is not that we do not want our kids to fear the Lord, I believe they do, but
they set up systems in their family’s life to divert from that mission. The
problem is that most people are not asking the right questions. So two
questions that you can honestly discuss this afternoon, “Do we have the right
goal?” and “Does our family life reflect that goal?” And be honest with
yourselves. There are some of you who need to make some changes in your family
life. Please do not skip over these questions.
The
Wise Direction in Child Rearing
I never shot a gun before I moved to the
south. And the first time I shot a gun, we didn’t start with shooting. We
started with picking a target and working on aiming at that target. You don’t
start shooting until you know what you are shooting at. So if you are know your
aim is the fear of the Lord, how do you shoot to hit the target? There are four
primary ways God has given to directing our children in the fear of the Lord. I
won’t spend a lot of time on the first, even though it may be the most
important. The most important aspect of wise child rearing is to live a wise
life. It is impossible to teach the fear of the Lord until you first possess
the fear of the Lord. The fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom. Remember
the fear of the Lord is the river that nourishes the value and which supports
the mighty tower. Proverbs 20:7, “The righteous who walks in his integrity—
blessed are his children after him!” Imitation is the greatest form of flattery
and children have an innate sense to follow what they see in their parents. He
who walks with the wise is wise. If you are wise, the odds dramatically
increase that your children will be wise. And that gives you the drive to do
the next 3 things.
Secondly, to direct you children to the
fear of the Lord, you must instruct and teach them wisdom. Children are born
precious, but they are also born sinners. Children come with righteousness not
included. They have to be taught and instructed in the way of righteousness,
and this instruction fills the pages of proverbs. Listen:
Hear, my son, your father's instruction,
and forsake not your mother's teaching, for they are a graceful garland for
your head and pendants for your neck. (Proverbs 1:8-9)
Keep hold of instruction; do not let go;
guard her, for she is your life. (Proverbs 4:23)
Take
my instruction instead of silver, and knowledge rather than choice gold, for
wisdom is better than jewels, and all that you may desire cannot compare with
her. (Proverbs 8:10-11)
Hear
instruction and be wise, and do not neglect it. (Proverbs 8:33)
Whoever
heeds instruction is on the path to life, but he who rejects reproof leads
others astray. (Proverbs 10:17)
A
wise son hears his father's instruction, but a scoffer does not listen to
rebuke. (Proverbs 13:1)
There
is this refrain over and over again to the youth to listen to instruction and
teaching. Let me draw a couple of principles here. First, children listen to
your parents. Remember the book of Proverbs is written to young people and its
chorus is “Listen!” Listen and hold tight to your parents’ instruction. You
need to develop a “yes ma’am and yes sir” mentality. Do not speak back to your
parents. Honor them by how you listen to their words and respect their insight.
When you do not listen to your parents, you are hurting yourselves. Would you
ever take a hammer and smash your thumb on purpose? Well, Proverbs says that
when you do not listen to the wise instruction and teaching of your parents it
is like you are hitting your thumb with a hammer on purpose.
The
ear that listens to life-giving reproof will dwell among the wise. Whoever
ignores instruction despises himself, but he who listens to reproof gains
intelligence. The fear of the LORD is instruction in wisdom, and humility comes
before honor. (Proverbs 15:31-33)
Do
not hurt yourself on purpose, listen to your parents. God takes that very
seriously.
Secondly, parents instruct your
children. You have to be intentional in how you instruct your children. Put
down your phones and talk to your children. Take walks and teach them about the
diversity and beauty in God’s world. Set aside daily time to read the Bible
together and pray. Sing with kids. We have excellent opportunities for your
children to learn while they are here during our gatherings, but our church
will only be as strong as the families who come. And families will only be strong
if parents are intentional about instructing their children in godliness.
Beloved, please care more about your children’s godly character than their
athletic success. 1 Tim 4:7-8, “Rather train yourself for godliness; for while
bodily training is of some value, godliness is of value in every way, as it
holds promise for the present life and also for the life to come.” Do not
short-change their spiritual lives by setting their minds on earthly pursuits.
Sports and the arts have a place, but should never have the primary place.
The world is teaching and instructing
your children. It is training your children to focus on the here and now.
Philippians 3:17-20,
Brothers,
join in imitating me, and keep your eyes on those who walk according to the
example you have in us. (Remember the first way to learn the fear of the Lord
is by watching and imitating) For many, of whom I have often told you and now
tell you even with tears, walk as enemies of the cross of Christ. (Listen to
how Paul defines the enemies of the cross of Christ) Their end is destruction,
their god is their belly, and they glory in their shame, with minds set on
earthly things. But our citizenship is in heaven, and from it we await a
Savior, the Lord Jesus Christ, (Philippians 3:17-20)
Do
not set your mind on earthly things, but set your minds on things that are
above, not on things that are on earth.
One of the most famous verses on
child-rearing is Proverbs 22:6, “Train up a child in the way he should go; even
when he is old he will not depart from it.” This verse has been misunderstood
greatly. Literally verse 6 should read, “Train a child in his way and when he
is old he will not turn from it.” The question is who the “his” is referring
too. Most people usually read that as referring to God’s way, so train a child
in God’s way and when he is old and he will not turn from it. Most scholars
believe it is referring to the child. Train a child in the child’s way and when
he is old, he will not turn from it. So one reading is a blessing while the
other reading is a judgment. We also have to remember that proverbs are not
meant to be promises, but they are wisdom sayings, which means that this is
typically the way things work. Commentator Bruce Watke believes that if we
train up a child in God’s way than that training will make an impression that
is inescapable on the child. It does not necessarily mean the child will walk
in the training, but the training will never leave him. Regardless, we have to
understand than molding is best done when the cement is still wet. Take
advantage of the early years of your children. The instruction of the earliest
years will leave a permanent impression.
The
Wise Discipline of Child Rearing
The third way we can be wise in our
children rearing is through discipline. The word for instruction and discipline
are the same Hebrew word, but when it was written in the context of physical
instruction it was translated discipline. If verbal instruction is given to
prevent folly, then discipline is physically instructing the child from
continuing in folly. There is a progression of instruction. It begins with a verbal
instruction and, if not heeded, it extends to physical. Listen to the
importance of discipline (physical instruction) Solomon gives,
Whoever
spares the rod hates his son, but he who loves him is diligent to discipline
him. (Proverbs 13:24)
Discipline
your son, for there is hope; do not set your heart on putting him to death.
(Proverbs 19:18)
Folly
is bound up in the heart of a child, but the rod of discipline drives it far
from him. (Proverbs 22:15)
Do
not withhold discipline from a child; if you strike him with a rod, he will not
die. If you strike him with the rod, you will save his soul from Sheol.
(Proverbs 23:13-14)
The
rod and reproof give wisdom, but a child left to himself brings shame to his
mother. (Proverbs 29:15)
Discipline
your son, and he will give you rest; he will give delight to your heart. (Proverbs
29:17)
“Folly
is bound up in the heart of a child” means that children are naturally bent to
folly. And we have to expand our normal way thinking about folly. For example:
Fools
reject wisdom and instruction (15:5; 1:7, 22, 32; 10:8; 18:2; 30:11, 17;
20:20); Fools don’t respect their parents (19:26; 30:17); Fools choose foolish
and wicked companions (13:20; 14:7; 22:24); Fools talk too much (12:23; 13:16;
15:2; 18:7; 29:11, 20); Fools are boastful (27:1–2); Fools are proud (14:16;
28:26); Fools justify their sin (12:15; 28:26); Fools are self-centered (18:2);
Fools are quick-tempered (12:16, 18; 14:17, 29); Fools are argumentative and
quarrelsome (18:6; 20:3; 26:4–5; 29:9); Fools gossip and tattle (11:13; 20:19);
Fools get into mischief (10:23); Fools mock at sin (14:9); Fools are stubborn
(17:10); Fools are unreliable (26:6); Fools flatter and manipulate (29:5);
Fools are lazy (10:5); Fools lie (12:22; 26:18–29); Fools steal (28:24); Fools
are unwise with money (14:24; 28:24); Fools are immoral (7:22; 29:3); Fools
abuse intoxicating substances (23:29–35); Fools are gluttons (28:7).[ii]
Children
are naturally prone to foolishness, so physical correction (corporeal
punishment or spanking) is a tool that drives folly from their hearts. The rod
has the power to awaken our children to the fear of the Lord, which brings them
to true wisdom.
Physical instruction or spanking is a
tool given to parents by God drive out foolishness and lead our children to
wisdom. To neglect the rod is to leave our children in foolishness which is not
love, but hate. To spare the rod is to hate the child, because it leaves the
child in foolishness and eternal danger. Physical discipline has been under
attack in recent years because parents have abused the rod. Biblical spanking
should be done in love. The point of discipline is love, therefore it should
never be done in anger. Spanking should always be done in a way that shows a
special love for our children as a special creation made in the image of God[iii].
Our discipline should model the Lord’s discipline. Proverbs 3:11-12, “My son,
do not despise the LORD's discipline or be weary of his reproof, for the LORD
reproves him whom he loves, as a father the son in whom he delights.” The goal
of discipline is to turn our children from folly (in its many expressions) back
to the wise way of the Lord.
We
exercise discipline in the Spirit of Jesus who took our discipline. Isaiah
53:5, “But he was pierced for our transgressions; he was crushed for our
iniquities; upon him was the chastisement (discipline) that brought us peace,
and with his wounds we are healed.” Jesus took our discipline. We were all once
foolish and disobedient, but when the goodness and loving kindness of our
Savior appeared, he saved us, not because of our works done in righteousness. He
saved us by his own mercy. We must discipline our children in the spirit of the
Gospel knowing every time we use the rod, we have had one who took the rod on
our behalf. This should discipline in love and humility. We have been healed by
the wounds of another and our discipline to our children helps them learn the fear
of the Lord and to be saved by the same wounds. Hebrew 12:11, “For the moment
all discipline seems painful rather than pleasant, but later it yields the
peaceful fruit of righteousness to those who have been trained by it.” Let our
discipline yield the peaceful fruit of righteousness as we train up our
children in the way of the Lord.
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Susanna Wesley wrote a letter to her son
John Wesley on July 24th, 1732 explaining the importance of discipline
for the foolish self-will in a child. She writes,
Self-will
is the root of all sin and misery, so whatever nourishes this in children,
insures their later wretchedness and irreligion. Whatever checks and mortifies
it, promotes their future happiness and piety. This is still more evident, if
we further consider, that religion is nothing else than the doing the will of
God and not our own will. Self-will is the one grand impediment to our temporal
and eternal happiness and no indulgences of it can be trivial, no denial
unprofitable. Heaven or hell depends on this alone. So that the parent who
studies to subdue it in his child, works together with God in the renewing and
saving a soul. The parent who indulges it does the devil’s work, makes religion
impracticable, salvation unattainable, and does all that in him lies, to damn
his child’s body and soul for ever![iv]
Discipline
is loving. It is not, however, loving to ignore laziness, anger or lying. Do
not nourish the self-will and entitlement that keeps a child against the Lord.
Our world does not love wisdom, so there is no doubt that the tools that God
has given for wisdom will be under attack. Laws have already been proposed to
make spanking illegal, but we press on in the wisdom of the Lord, setting our
minds on heavenly things. We work with his tools to train our children in the
peaceful fruit of righteousness. (If you would like more information on the
rod, I would recommend Shepherding a
Child’s Heart, by Ted Tripp or Don’t
Make Me Count to Three by Ginger Hubbard.)
The
Wise Dependence of Child Rearing
There are no perfects parents. We are
going to mess up, and when we recognize our inability to parent perfectly, it
is a sign of wisdom and it will drive us to depend on God. The fourth way of
wise child rearing is dependence on God. There are godly and wise parents whose
children have walked away from the Lord into foolishness. We train a child, but
the child is still accountable for his actions. Therefore we pray and pray and
pray that God would show his grace to our children. We pray they would walk
with wise. We pray they would listen to our instruction. We pray for the
strength to lovingly teach and discipline our children. Child rearing is not
something we are called to do in our own strength. Whatever we do we do for the
glory of God through the strength he provides.
We do what we train our children to do, Proverbs 3:5-6, “Trust in the
LORD with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding. In all
your ways acknowledge him, and he will make straight your paths.”
The
Wise Delight of Child Rearing
There are few greater tasks then rearing
a child in the faith. There will be days that you will feel that you are
burdened beyond your strength, but God’s grace is sufficient. And the journey
is worth it. The delight that comes with laboring with the Lord for wise sons
and daughters is a precious gift. I am still in the middle of my journey, but I
have seen the joy in a mother’s and father’s face when their children are
walking in the truth.
My
son, if your heart is wise, my heart too will be glad. My inmost being will
exult when your lips speak what is right. The father of the righteous will
greatly rejoice; he who fathers a wise son will be glad in him. Let your father
and mother be glad; let her who bore you rejoice. (Proverbs 23:15-16; 24-25)
Let
us be wise parents and labor for the hearts of our children. I pray in our last
days, we will echo words of the Apostle John who said, “I have no greater joy
than to hear that my children are walking in the truth.” (3 John 1:4)
[ii]
Newheiser, J. (2008). Opening up Proverbs
(pp. 149–150). Leominster: Day One Publications.
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